Toothless Tuna

When your boyfriend becomes Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon, you have to learn how to plan meals around someone who can’t chew. Soft foods become a priority and you feel guilty for eating his favorite crunchy foods, like chips and dip or movie-theater popcorn.

Meals now rotate between go-gurt, pumpkin mousse, mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, and tuna salad.

I tried to make tuna salad for him once before, but it didn’t taste as good as his dad’s, and I ate it alone. But now, his senses have been dulled and I can feed him anything and he won’t fully taste it. I have successfully become a good chef by his standards.

It’s time for tuna salad: take 2.

But before I can even boil the eggs, we have to go to store to buy them, which means spending an hour in Wal-Mart while my boyfriend gets distracted by everything. It also means eating Steak ‘n Shake because it’s right across from Wal-Mart and we just spent an hour looking at food.

Tuna salad has now become dessert after greasy burgers. Thankfully, the burgers fall apart and I don’t have to guiltily eat in front of a sad boyfriend. We also both drench our burgers in honey mustard, which luckily makes it easier to slide down your throat when you don’t have teeth.

So after this detour, we can go home and boil the eggs. But boyfriends aren’t much help here, either. While I wasn’t looking, he turned the heat up all the way and I came back to a bright red burner telling me it was too hot.

After using my noodle arms to fight him to the stove, I turned down the heat, but the water never simmered and the eggs never stopped bouncing around. We (and by “we” I mean “my boyfriend”) cracked all the eggs.

Next comes the easy part of letting the eggs cool, which means putting them in the fridge while you go to class. When you get back from class, peel and cut the eggs, drain the tuna, mix with mayonnaise, and add salt and pepper to taste.

This tuna salad came out better than my first attempt, but Toothless had a hard time with the bread, so I ate it all alone again.


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